I now bring plastic cups to all hotels so I don't have to drink from the glass ones that are wiped with potty gloves.

I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last  person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels. 

I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I always remove lemons and limes from my restaurants drinks for fear of getting e-coli.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the   number one pastime while driving alone is picking your nose (although   cell phone use may be taking the number one spot).

Eating a Little Debbie sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.  Yuck!

I must send my special thanks to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes, because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

Also, I have to scrub the top of every can I open now, for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown)who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the$15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.


I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants, even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward   an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car, so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God'on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

And, thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number   for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus, since I now have their recipe.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet   but mine because a big brown  African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant   death when it   bites my butt.

And thanks to your   great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot, because it probably was   placed there by a sex molester   waiting underneath my car to grab my   leg.

I can no longer drive my car because   I can't buy gas from   certain gas companies!

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. this afternoon, and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...

Have a wonderful day.

Oh, by the way...

A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now; it's too late